Top 10 Ways to Keep Your Blog at Catblog Readership Level

My blog is about 5 years old. When I began, Blogger allowed me to set up a sort of distribution list so that certain people would receive my posts via email. A sort of reverse subscription system. In five years, I have had small spurts of growth, but have basically maintained a very small readership and even smaller commentership. So, I am an expert at this topic.

Here, without further ado, are the Top 10 Ways to Keep Your Blog at Catblog Readership Level

1. Post occasionally, with gaps of months between posts. That way, anyone who has been lured in by your wit and wisdom will fall away in the interim because there are many, many other shiny things to see.

2. Don't post about current events. That way, your blog will not get found in the search engine for anyone searching for the hot topic of the day.

3. Remain uncontroversial. Just be your sensible, conscientious, non-swearing self in your posts and see your loyal readership appreciate you.

4. Write about stuff personal to you that doesn't have really any connection to many other people. That way, you'll be able to avoid that "niche" that might increase visitors, readers, and comments.

5. Be boring, as far as the virtual world sees things. Don't have any extramarital affairs; don't kill anyone; don't boldly go where no [wo]man has gone before.

6. Really be concerned about what you write in case your parents or your children read something that they will find scandalous. This keeps things nice and safe.

7. Don't drink a weird green smoothie (almond milk, kale, spinach, protein powder, crushed ice) while you post, because that is just weird. Not trendy at all. Get with the program.

8. Channel the spirit of Eeyore while you type and as you consider your blog overall. Poor Eeyore is just pitifully thankful for the slightest amount of attention. Consider this interaction between Pooh and Eeyore which I brazenly cut-and-pasted from winnie-pooh.org

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."

"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

9. Review non-mainstream books and movies that gave you all the feels but don't transfer well to the bloggerverse of readers.

10. Finally, use a picture of your cat as your avatar. This keeps anyone from looking at you and laughing, or admiring, or feeling they can connect with you.

So, la la la, here you have it. All the things you should not do! And in the words of my very favorite Pooh character, TTFN!

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