This is What the Tropic Thunder Controversy Reminded Me Of

With the opening of the new movie “Tropic Thunder” I am reminded of my own journey with the word “retarded.” It was part of my vocabulary growing up, as in, “Oh, that was so retarded.” I didn’t think about what I was saying, or maybe I did and it just didn’t matter that much to me. Fast forward to January 2, 2006 when a son with Down syndrome blesses my life with his birth and my understanding and use of that word changes drastically. I don't use the word "retarded" anymore, although I do use the term "mental retardation" pretty much in a clinical way, not in a judging way. I no longer feel that mental retardation is a terrible thing or something to be feared or looked away from, although there are certainly people who have very difficult lives because of the complications of their condition and for whom I have great compassion.

When we were about six months into the adventure of parenting Kepler, I received and accepted an invitation to visit a weekly women’s group consisting of women from my church. I was deep in a time of learning more about becoming authentic, and learning much about being the parent of a special needs child, and dealing with pumping breast milk around the clock for my little son who couldn’t seem to latch on properly, so it was a very emotional time.

The women’s group was a pretty typical group of ladies who brought both pain and love with them to the meeting. Throughout the evening, I found myself feeling very defensive on behalf of one of the women because I felt like the other women were giving her the message, “Just change your mind and get over this stuff.” At some point, I decided to back off and was nursing some hurt feelings. One of the women I was least comfortable with happened to say the following: “I think dogs are like retarded kids. You can only teach them so much.” Since I was still adjusting to the idea of parenting a “retarded kid” I was aghast, stunned, and overcome with grief. Another woman held me as I cried and no one talked about what had happened. The woman who had made the comment did not know about Kepler. I left the group and never went back and never saw her again. Until . . .

Last week in J.C. Penney (two years after the original event), as I shopped, I caught the eye of a woman pushing a stroller and thought I recognized her. I glanced at her again and sure enough, it was the woman who had made the comment. What I was making up about it was that she recognized me but was ignoring me and I had to choose whether or not to acknowledge her. I knew that I wanted to make peace with this woman, so I asked her her name and reminded her of mine and how I knew her. I told her I was so sorry about what had happened that night and I told her about Kepler and how much of a blessing he is and how early it was in our life with him. She told me she knew she had said something wrong but had no idea what it was. I hugged her and again apologized and told her I was so glad I had run into her after all this time. I think it was the perfect time, actually, because I was definitely ready to stop judging her and mend the broken thing between us. She had tears in her eyes and so did I. I love when we get the opportunity to find healing.

And this kid is just such a major blessing.

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I Suck Because I Made the Special Speaker Cry*

*thanks to my sister for this title

I've been part of a wonderful group of women who have been meeting for nine weeks with the focus on food issues, although we rarely discuss food. Food issues is what brought us together but we are bound together by many commonalities, not the least of which is larning to simply believe we are ok in spite of our myriad problems. I love these women and this group. We have only one more week and then our time together will end.

Last night, we had a special speaker who has overcome an eating disorder of many years duration. She shared her story, which gave all the glory to God for His help in her victory. She gave us several pages of scriptures and expressed her belief that the Bible addresses every one of our issues and that we cannot make changes without God's truth.

So, it's not that I disagree, necessarily. But as I grew up in several churches (Baptist and fundy), I took in messages, which may or may not have been explicit, that in general, I was not ok. What I wanted, what I felt, what I needed, what I WAS -- none of these things were ok. Verses such as Jeremiah 17:9 (The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?) were reinforcement to me that there was nothing good in me. Never mind that I don't remember ever hearing about the context of this verse, or if there were other places in the Bible that told a different story about me. And then Paul says, "No, I beat my body and make it my slave . . ." Again, context? Again, can we temper this for someone who has shame at the core?

What I have found over the past year is that, IN SPITE of what I learned in church, I have actually come to understand some pretty important things. And I learned them AFTER I had prayed MANY times to have my mind transformed, to be changed. So, one could say that the things I have learned are the answer to those prayers. But I am deeply convinced that the transforming of our mind is not MAGIC. Unless we learn something new to put in there, the old stuff has a way of staying around.

1. What I thought of as a terrible flaw in myself turns out to be wholly related to self-image. I never understood why I saw myself either as superior to someone else or inferior to them. I just chalked it up to pride and made sure to remind myself several times a day about how bad a person I was. Seems that what is required to avoid the superiority/inferiority thing is to learn how to see eye-to-eye. Probably sounds pretty logical and duh! but wasn't something I had a clue about.

2. And speaking of pride, I discovered that it can be incredibly prideful and self-centered to think so badly of oneself. To always, in a conversation, be worrying about what the other person thinks of me, to always think I'm offensive just by being around -- these are not things that come from true humility and love.

3. It is ok to believe I am ok, that I am more than ok, that perfection is not the goal. (Ah, but what to do with Matthew 5:48: 'Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.'") The way I see it, my former obsession with perfection was all about ME. I was convinced that if I could be perfect, I could be loved. And if I couldn't be perfect, I couldn't be loved.

3. I have come to believe that "You make me mad" is incorrect. My response to you is what makes me mad, not your actions or words. This has gone a long way to helping me understand that having boundaries clarified whose problem something is. Not to say that I don't give a rip if you feel sad, mad, scared or ashamed after an interaction with me. I will always want to apologize or make it right however I can. But your feelings are YOUR feelings. This means that I do not have to carry the responsibility for every person in the world.

4. The bottom line is LOVE.

So, last night as we responded to what the speaker said, I tried to explain my baggage from misinterpreting Scriptures and that I wanted to get rid of the baggage, and for the moment, that means allowing some space and healing to occur around some of the beliefs I internalized. However, the speaker was visibly upset by this and ended up expressing her doubts about really having the ministry she feels called to do. We all gathered around her and prayed for her and it was a really sweet time. I think it was very important for her to realize that not everyone is going to accept her message and for her to see how very responsible she feels for the outcome of giving her testimony. As my sister said, all you can do is hold out the beacon of truth. It is not your responsibility what others do with it.

Before I had the awesome opportunity to learn the truths I listed above, I truly would have felt like I Suck Because I Made the Special Speaker Cry. Instead, I had the opportunity to practice being authentic. I was careful about what I said. I did not set out to hurt her feelings, or discount what she said. In a group such as ours, the point of it is to share ourselves with each other. I shared my resistance to the message and I told why. I know that doesn't sit well with people who hate to rock the boat. I wasn't sure I was going to say anything, but someone commented on my silence and asked about it. I took the risk to express myself. I addressed the fact that it seemed like what I had said was hurtful to her and I told her I was sorry for hurting her. But I'm learning that being authentic sometimes means things are uncomfortable for a while, and that often a deeper relationship and more meaningful interaction are the outcome.

So, I don't really suck. Nor did I make the special speaker cry. But somehow, as God seems to be able to do, He used all the elements to minister to quite a few of us all at once.

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One Small Change is Changing My Life

Somehow I came across this book title months ago and put it on reserve at the library. I picked it up this week and read right through this little book. Dr. Maurer takes the concept of "kaizen" (continuous improvement) which is an important part of the Toyota Production System and lean manufacturing in general, and applies it to non-manufacturing settings.

I suppose we've all heard that you eat an elephant one bite at a time, but I have never been able to apply that idea when it comes to the daily issues I face. And most of the "big" issues I have tend to feel overwhelming to me.

Major learning points from this book:

**Our brains are designed to respond with fear when faced with change and the amygdala is the brain part that controls the fight-or-flight response.
**We typically respond to the need for change by using "innovation," which is the drastic process of change. I don't know about you, but when I need to start exercising after a period of sedentary inactivity, I do NOT start by walking 16 steps down the street and back (or whatever the doctor tells you about starting slowly). I do a TOUGH WOMAN'S workout and do a two-mile run/walk no matter how long it has been since I have exercised. I ignore the aching feet and muscles and pretend like my heartrate is just fine.
**The alternative to innovation is "kaizen," which means small continuous changes.

How this works in my life:

I usually have 500-600 (exaggeration maybe) huge things I must make decisions about -- anything from what to cook for dinner (very huge issue) to whether or not one of my kids should do a certain activity to how in the world to fit in a date night this week to wondering if I will ever get Kepler off the bedtime ice-water bottle he loves. ETC. My amygdala seems to be PARTICULARLY adept at the "flight" part of fight-or-flight so whenever I am faced with a decision, I almost immediately get overwhelmed and get the heck OUT of there.
(Isn't she cute?)

I learned TWO things that made this a really FINE week.

1. Tiptoe past fear by contemplating small changes that allow the amygdala to stay in its happy state of hibernation.
2. Ask small questions that also bypass the whole fight-or-flight nightmare.

Examples of #1.

I have six dining room chairs that need to be re-upholstered (backs and seats, separately), and really look pretty dirty and ratty. I believe the idea of reupholstering probably came to me about 1 year ago, and I got the fabric at about the same time. But the thought of all the work involved, and the unknowns of the process, and getting the chairs to my mom's for her pneumatic stapler, and buying the foam and the right amount of foam, and, well you get the picture. When I contemplate all that, a bag of Lime Chips and a nap usually get me calmed down.

This week I asked myself: What is one step I could take to getting my chairs reupholstered? Answer: Reupholster the back of one chair. Did I do it? Yes. Do I feel like I really accomplished something -- I sure do.

Another example was looking at cooking dinner but using the kaizen method. Usually, I experience a doomdart when I remember ain't nothin' going to be on the table unless I put it there, and then I realize that I need to go to the grocery, and remember I do not ever feel like I am on top of having a good inventory of food, and oh no, I haven't given the kids any vegetables for five days unless ketchup counts, and the reason I'm overweight is because I don't have a meal plan, and well you probably get the picture again. Again, a bag of Lime chips and a nap help, but I usually have to add in a handful of chocolate chips too.

This week I asked myself: What is one dinner that sounds good to me? Answer: chicken cordon bleu, rice, salad, sliced peaches and a nice loaf of bread. Did I cook this for dinner on Thursday? I did. Do I feel like I really accomplished something -- I sure do.

And there are many other examples from this week of how I applied and used this idea in my life.

I feel a lot less like this:































and a lot more like this:

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Walking Humbly

One of my volunteer jobs is taking care of the group book orders for our homeschool group. This is actually a pretty huge job and I like doing it. But I volunteered this year before I really thought or prayed about it. Now that I am already doing it, I received the first order today and it included a challenge with it!

Last year, people sent me orders any old way -- post-it notes, in the memo section of the check, on scraps of paper, etc. I kept track of it all, but realized that this year I wanted to make it simpler.

I created a book order form and asked people to complete it, print it out and mail to me with payment.

The FIRST order I received was via email from someone who told me her printer was broken and wanted me to print it out for her. I know that is not a huge deal in the scheme of things, but I saw it as a time I needed to choose -- am I going to take on the responsibility that other people have to deal with their own computer issues and print the form? Or am I going to set a boundary?

I decided to put the responsibility back on her. I am so anxious! It is so much easier to just take the responsibility on myself. But why should I? If this person were needing to print something to get a passport, I doubt she would email the post office and say, hey go ahead and print this yourself. Or if she needed to mail a form to a doctor or dentist, would she send them a website and tell them to download it themselves?

I emailed her and explained that I created the book order form this year to avoid the extra work I did last year without it. And I told her I would only accept completed printed forms by mail or in my hand.

Since she is probably CrazyBusy like all of us, she might not take this well. But I know this is the right thing for me to do.

Eek. Believing it's the right thing, and living with the anxiety it produces.

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I Think I Have the Assignment

While lunching with my good friend, Jean, yesterday, she commented on my dream post. Her sense was that God is asking me to redefine success. Her suggestion was that I begin to ask God if He wants me to do such-and-such and to listen more closely to Him about what to choose.

It JUST SO HAPPENS that I started reading this book called CrazyBusy and I had already begun to realize some ways to slow my pace down.

As I drove Kepler to the doctor yesterday afternoon, I decided to take that driving time to pray and think rather than listen to talk radio, or text (I know, I know). I asked God what the assignment is. A song came into my mind -- an old chorus I learned many years ago, based on Micah 6:8.

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

I've been thinking I need a "mission statement" or something similar so that as I make decisions I can quickly ask myself "does this activity fulfill my three-point clear mission statement?" and if it doesn't I can confidently toss it aside and move onto the next thing.

CrazyBusy pointed out that this way of living modern life -- tossing things aside so we can get to the next one -- leads to the lack of doing the things we really want to do, and sometimes the things we really should do. God knows I have plenty of days where I do alot of stuff, but miss out on some of the things I really love, and some of the things that are really timely and important.

So, when Micah 6:8 came into my mind, I said, "Oh, God, you must be kidding. That is way too nebulous. I would have to actually sit down and think about what justice and mercy and humility would look like in my life." And I proceeded to put my thinking cap on again to see what God REALLY meant. But, something made me stop and say, OK. Maybe this IS the assignment.

I decided to consider this the assignment and allow my thinking to be overhauled, transformed, as it were. My "formidable intellect" as my friend Jean calls it, is the easiest thing for me to depend on when it comes to making decisions. But maybe said FI has gotten me into this mess. Being lightning-quick when it comes to making decisions is right handy when driving and needing to avoid something in the road, but can be downright inconvenient when my MO is to say yes to everything except the really hard stuff. Hard stuff like working with Kepler, helping another child learn to eat fewer carbs, helping another child learn to deal with strong emotions, another to deal with his love of being on the computer, another to deal with her tendency to see herself in an extremely favorable light and everyone else in an extremely unfavorable light. All those hard things aren't things I really want to face because they require persistence and patience and don't give any of those instant payoffs that the easy, urgent stuff gives.

So I'm off to listen some more and see how to fulfill the assignment today.

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The Egg is Not Yet Fried

Although we do not have any insurance coverage to fix the Good Egg, we are getting the windshield replaced on Wednesday. That will render said Egg driveable. We then will take the other cracks one at a time, starting with the sunroof. Our neighbors (they of the bashing tree) know a lot of people who do a lot of things and they said they would put out the word that we are needing the sunroof fixed. And they had the tree company come out today and clean up the mess.

The moral of this story for me tonight is "It costs something to see clearly."

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Eating without Distractions

This lady has the right idea, or you would certainly think so if you came to my house. Every one of us loves to read while we eat -- we'll even read the cereal box if there is nothing else available. (I think reading while eating is "the thinking man's" version of reading while watching tv.)

Since we have five growing children in the house, we have noticed this phenomenon that happens -- I go grocery shopping and bring the groceries home. The kids unload the car, and emit loud exclamations of enthusiasm as they see all the good food. As I unload the bags and put the food away, the mongering hordes swoop in and pick up a bag of this and a carton of that and four or five pieces of fruit (per person). I can't even get the food put away before a decent amount of it is eaten.

The problem is, sometimes, a lot of times, we don't eat until we are full. We eat until the bag is empty, or we have finished the page/chapter/book/article. I think I have alluded elsewhere to my love/hate relationship with food and eating, and I would rather not pass that along to our kids, even though I may do it unintentionally.

I recently posted a sign on the fishbowl on our dining room table asking everyone to refrain from reading while eating and I explained my thinking. Each time we eat now, we use bowls, plates, silverware, etc., and even NAPKINS! I asked everyone, as an experiment, to just focus on the eating process, the texture and taste of the food.

Here's what I have found out. Eating is boring! If I'm reading a book, I can chew crispy foods for a long time. If I am sitting at the table, I can't chew quite as much food. I just don't want to take the time.

Do you think this could be a major diet phenomena all over the world? Could I get famous and be on Oprah? Maybe not and maybe not, but if I only eat while I'm doing nothing else, I bet I might even lose some weight.

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Broken People - Part II

I started with this therapy group at its inception at the beginning of last August. Five of us, plus two psychotherapists met together for several months before we ultimately ended up with eight patients and two therapists. My group has been a great place for me and has been a great experience.

This past Wednesday, though, I left feeling quite sad. One of our members has reached a point where he feels like he is ready to leave the group. Others in the group were being all, like, "That's great you're ready to leave and you're taking care of yourself." "Hey, if you can do it, maybe I can, too."

But I was feeling sad about him leaving. His contributions to the group have been huge. He has a wonderful way of distilling down what you've said into the basic issues and I have found his questions and comments to be very helpful to me over the months. As well as the impact he has had on me personally, I know that he and I are the ones who do the most talking in group, and I believe I may have started feeling that I CAN'T leave the group yet, regardless of whether or not I have reached my original goals.

Our other members are still in varying degrees of deep brokenness -- the kind where they feel inadequate, unworthy, and unlovable. I feel like I have made huge progress i this group. You know what? I bet the others feel like they have as well. I guess what I am dealing with is feeling some responsibility to my group members, to stay and offer what I can. But what if it is time for me to move on? The very fact that it is so hard for me to make this decision makes me think I probably still have some work to do!



The truth is that sometimes I feel like a junior facilitator in our group. I see the facilitators affirming what I am saying, and building on what I have said. But the truth is that our facilitators are very good at what they do, and I don't think they really need me to make the group work. Such a challenge to find that balance between embracing the truth of making a valuable contribution, and realizing that I'm a work in progress just like everyone else in the group.

I love the people in my group. We have no contact outside the group, in order to make the group environment as safe as possible, so I don't think I will see any of these people after they or I leave the group.

For now, I know I still have issues that I can work on in group. So, for the time being, I will keep making my way to the office on Wednesday at 5:30.

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Taking Care of Oneself

Knowing that my fine group is going to be asking me on Wednesday how I have done with having some quiet time in the morning, I have gotten up three mornings in a row and done just that. One of the things I planned to do yesterday was to buy some math curriculum.
So, yesterday morning, I was getting ready to send $250 to someone I had never met in order to buy a math curriculum, and as I wrote the check, I got this little feeling inside that said I should think about this before I did it. So, in the name of taking care of myself, I emailed the lady and told her that I had some concerns about sending off $250 and just having to trust that she would send me the curriculum. Maybe you can't imagine how uncomfortable this might be -- what if she gets offended? What if she writes back a really testy email telling me off? What if it's the "wrong" thing to let her know of my concerns?

I got a quick email back from her, quite gracious and reassuring. The only change I made was to send a money order instead of a check. And I only did that because I knew it would simplify things on both ends -- she wouldn't have to wait for a check to clear, and I wouldn't have to wait for the material to be mailed.

For all my readers who are doing important things like closing high-dollar real-estate deals (is there anyone among my readers doing that?!?), this may seem like a really small thing, but for me, it was a huge step to feel an inclination to wait and check something out, and to DO it, even though it felt risky to me.

Yay, me! Try it! You'll like it!

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Taking Care of Oneself

This is an idea that has gotten a lot of press in recent times. As we've "evolved" into higher consciousness beings, we have "realized" that what REALLY matters is taking care of No. 1.

In my weekly therapy group tonight, I brought this concept up because I don't think I'm all that good at "taking care of myself." Probably on the continuum, I am somewhere more in the middle, because I neither deprive myself of sleep in order to vacuum, nor indulge my whims at the expense of others. (And there you see how I see this whole thing).

One helpful idea that was shared. Making a choice to take care of someone else, when that someone else is CHILDREN, is different that making a choice to take care of another adult who is capable of taking care of him- or herself. Nevertheless, it is surely challenging to figure out a balance between doing what's best for the kiddos and doing what's best for myself. Would be nice if there wasn't a difference, but sometimes there is.

Take basketball, for instance. Basketball, a sport I am deeply committed to on behalf of my children, requires a great deal of time, energy, money, and did I say time. We decided earlier this year to take off from sports until basketball starts "next fall." Whoops, the new coach and new venue are so excited and exciting, respectively, that we've actually got the option of starting basketball NOW!

I love the sport. I love watching my kids. I know they love playing. Even Kepler is very enthusiastic about basketball. My only other kid who isn't playing has some really good buds who are also little sibs of players. This new home court is GREAT and we will all be able to get almost free memberships to this health facility as players and families of players. There's a pool, tennis courts, basketball court, personal trainers, classes, racquetball courts, a running/walking track, a great kids' care facility, and some SWEET locker rooms. But the new place is about a 25-minute drive from home. And, there will be plenty of driving to do with three kids on teams. So, I am faced with a decision here. Is it best for the kids and/or me to go ahead and get involved during the summer, thinking of the benefits for all of us? Or is it better to wait until fall and have more downtime in the summer.

There are pros and cons to every choice and every decision. I haven't made a decision about basketball yet, but I have decided that one thing that is extremely important in taking care of myself is to begin to set aside time every morning to have some quiet moments to THINK, to LISTEN, to PRAY, and to get clear direction about my day and the days of the kids. I made the commitment to my group tonight that I will take some time every morning this week and I asked them to ask me about it next week. Accountability!

I just have this really full plate, and it is so full of good stuff. I suppose my plate does have limitations, and I just have to figure out what I REALLY want on the plate.

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Oh, Pshaw, Part II

Well, one must be on one's toes in these days of apostasy.

At my FINE bank, when one makes a deposit, one is entitled to $100 of that deposit right now, but the rest of it only becomes available when thine deposited checks clear their bank of origin.

One would think that one would know this since one has banked at this bank for nigh only nine years. But one is not in the habit of double-crossing oneself and overdrawing one's account, now is one?

My FINE bank tellers did confirm in fact this morning that had I been a sly enough banking customer to have deposited ONE check yesterday and ONE check today, I would have indeed had $100 available yesterday and $100 available today, which adds up to $200, which is twice as much as the $100 that is available to me today since I alertly deposited all of the checks together.

So, NOW I know. In the meantime, Kepler better not need too many diaper changes today! And I guess it's beet pancakes for lunch too!

Never a dull moment.

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State of the Union

Well, pshaw.

Greg took the [one phone charger we can find] off on his business trip (at my suggestion and with my blessing) and my phone is doing that desperate gulping thing it does as it slowly fades into oblivion.

We have cinched the belt really tight over the past week cause we sort of overspent and there was no room for foolishness since the mortgage was to be deducted yesterday. So we are down to a can of beets in the pantry, some really old leftovers in the fridge, and not a crumb in the snack cabinet. Imagine my SURPRISE!! when I discovered this morning in my daily online banking session that I had alertly and secretly arranged for the rest of Valerie's camp fee to be deducted yesterday! So all our hard work to avoid being overdrawn by the mortgage was all for naught. And to that, I utilize a swear word I learned from my father -- Fat!!

And this silly yearbook that I foolishly agreed to single-handedly create on a program I do not know how to use? Foolish, foolish. Why? Why did I agree to this? Just because there is one senior who wishes to have a yearbook. Good reason? I think not. But nevertheless I have alertly committed myself to the "little" project.

The good news is I know there is another phone charger if I can just unearth it; I have two checks to deposit and being overdrawn in the morning but not in the evening is just like not being overdrawn at all, so I will be waiting at the drive-through at 9:00 sharp; and somehow this yearbook will get done even if I have to use Microsoft Word. So, don't cry for me, Argentina! I still have the best deal around when it comes to an outstanding hubby, and fine children who are strong and brave. I just hope they don't mind beet pancakes for breakfast.

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Church: Good For What Ails Ya

So we've been going to this new church for about five weeks, or maybe six. Imagine my pleasure this morning as I walked through the church and heard someone call my name to greet me, and a little farther down the hall, I ran into someone I have known for about 8 years who said, "Are you attending this church?", hugged me, and said, "I'm glad you're going here. I like you."

Instead of attending the main service this morning, I went with Eli to the junior high meeting. Although I missed being in the main service, I loved getting to know the youth pastor a little better. I loved it that he encouraged the kids to bring their Bibles to church as they would need them. I loved it that he taught on the book of Jonah and I learned some things! And I loved that Eli did not want to go in but had to since I forced him, and ended up having a positive experience.

I loved running into "Karen," an acquaintance I've known for several years, who offered to show me where the junior high kids meet, made sure my son met her son, and introduced both myself and Eli to the youth pastor.

I'm glad we are there.

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Flat Tire and Helpful Strangers

If you can believe this, I have had two flat tires this week. The first one was on my bicycle when I was riding home from the grocery store on Monday. But the second one was on my van yesterday in the pouring rain. I of course did not notice it since I was much more concerned with the fact that the gas price on the pump said $3.94. But the nice man pumping gas next to me pointed out the flat. I had two of the kids with me and several more places to go before I was in for the night.

That man actually laid down on the wet ground to see if he could loosen my spare tire (who thought of putting it under the car? bad idea in Ohio) but was unable to do so. The rain was dripping off the bumper onto his face, and he was lying on wet concrete trying to get it (his face? the bumper? no, the spare) off so he could fix it for me. He told me that he thought about what it would be like for his wife if she were in my position and that is what he wanted to help. I was so touched. Seems like anymore people don't like to get involved and I was so appreciative of his help. I have never changed a flat tire although I have been in a car a couple of times that had a flat.

So, the man put some air in my tire so I could drive to the tire store. I could see the screw that had punctured the tire and I expected to drive to the tire store and have the helpful tire man fix the tire and be on my way. But, no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! The puncture was too close to the edge, so the tire had to be replaced. And blah blah blah blah. Two hours later we drove off with 2 new tires and 200 fewer dollars. I actually had to call Greg a couple of times because I wasn't sure about some of the stuff to do since he handles this kind of stuff almost all the time.

The thing that really struck me besides his help was the fact that I live in a place where I can get pretty much anything I need pretty much anytime. It made me think about all the people in the world who don't have cars, let alone gas stations every 50 feet, and all the other amenities we totally take for granted every day.

My son was annoyed because he was having to wait and I did mention to him that that was selfish thinking, only because I wanted him to focus on the fact that in our time of need, our needs were met. I know there are many people who face such minor problems as flat tires that turn into major problems because of work issues, or no support, or lack of money to get the thing fixed. While I was waiting at the tire store, a woman came in who had had to be pushed into the parking lot by another car because her clutch had totally gone out. It wasn't a very nice car and my heart went out to her for having to deal with such problems.

My experience of life is that I am so very blessed. Even when I have a flat tire.

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Since I Last Wrote

Well, it's been a quiet weekend around here. Compared to my friend Carla, who started Saturday morning with a piano recital at 8 am, then headed off to a soccer game for her older son, then got a phone call from the lady at the state competition for piano who informed her that her sons were coming up soon in the program and she should get there asap (she had forgotten about this). Then when they got home, they had company for dinner, and the company stayed late so they didn't get to make their pinewood derby car so they had to do that Sunday morning. Ugh. I am so glad I don't have such a schedule.

So, Friday night I attended a concert for which my mom was the accompanist. Saturday night, we attended a Seder dinner at my mom and dad's house. Sunday, we went to church and out to lunch, then I spent some time with my dear hubby in the afternoon but only after we delved into some v-e-r-y s-c-a-r-y territory where he mentioned that he doesn't actually like or dislike what I wear; he just accepts it. This revelation came at a time when I am feeling like everything I wear looks terrible on me because I need to lose some serious weight. You have to understand that Greg is not your stereotypical husband who is clueless in many areas, and/or demanding in many areas. He is a kind, loving, caring, thoughtful, supportive guy, pretty much 24/7. So it was a shocker for him to acknowledge that maybe there's something to be desired in how I dress.

I used to dress nicely. I used to have a lot more places where it was the norm to dress nicely. But since we have been going to an ultra-casual church for 5 1/2 years and I don't work outside our home, most of my dressy clothes have gone by the wayside for one reason or another. Finally, it got to the place where I had only one nice outfit for colder weather, and no nice outfits for warmer weather.

Coincidental to all of this, I realized that taking care of my appearance is one of the things I have relegated to the back burner, as I have gradually done away with more and more things that really take care of me, or things that I enjoy. That realization came last week and I went right out the next day and bought some things that are not t-shirts, not jeans, and actually could be considered pretty. Went out again Saturday and bought a couple more things. So when I went to church Sunday morning (at the new place) I chose to wear a skirt. I felt better about myself, having taken time to choose something pretty to wear.

The other big trauma from the weekend was clothes shopping with Val, my 15-year-old. Perhaps because of my example, she dresses very casually almost all the time. And with few to no occasions that require anything dressy, her wardrobe is very casual. Her choir will be singing next week and she needed a black outfit. So off we went to get her one. We did great on the top and skirt part, but things got very grim when we went shoe shopping. I was determined to buy something inexpensive because I have bought several items that have been worn once or even nonce and I know she does not like to wear dress shoes. I had something specific in mind, and felt like I chose a pair that was a reasonable compromise between what she would like to have and what I felt like was appropriate. I am not pushy when it comes to clothes. I was getting tired though and wanted to be done with shoe shopping especially because I could see we probably were not going to come to agreement. I declared that THESE were the ones we were going to buy.

Her reply was . . .

"You can buy them, but that doesn't mean I'm going to wear them."

This did not sit well with me, and more words were exchanged between the two of us, and then silence ensued. I did not buy them. I pouted in silence for a couple of hours until I finally calmed down enough to realize that the amount of trouble she gives me is miniscule and the amount of pleasure and joy she brings is vast and I was wrong to be holding on to my anger.

The next morning she and I were walking on the trails at the park, playing our "what If" game where we ask each other hypothetical questions. One question came up which gave both of us the opportunity to acknowledge that we would like to take back what we said around and about the shoes issue, and forgiveness was offered on both sides.

So, we are back on track. She has black shoes to wear Friday night (some I already had), and I am reminded of what a joy she is to me.

Today, instead of my fat jeans/loose t-shirt outfit I have been wearing incessantly, I put on a pretty shirt, and a pretty pair of pants, and NOT running shoes. I even put on earrings, and felt like an impostor adult for a little white. Amazing what clothes can do for you.

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When I Relax, I Feel Guilty

That's the title of a book written sometime in the last 20 or 30 years. I've never read beyond the title, but the concept resonates with me.

More than 3 people have told me that they don't understand why I am so hard on myself about reading novels. They look at me with confused faces and ask what could be so bad about reading a novel? Indeed.

Well. IF you have a to-do list that ain't to-done, and IF you have a special needs child that will do well with one hour of personal attention from mom in a day and even BETTER with two or three or four hours, and IF you homeschool four students, and IF you are a stay-at-home mom who never is caught up on laundry, meal planning, cleaning, or decluttering, I SUPPOSE a case could be made that you don't really have time to relax.

But I SUPPOSE a case might also be able to be made that ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES SIOUXSIE A DULL BOY. Not to mention a FAT BOY, a STRESSED-OUT BOY, and an UNHAPPY BOY.

And we know that if MAMA ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Eh? Full of pithy sayings this a.m.

Well, MAMA ain't happy.

In a big-picture sense, I have an appreciation for the blessings I experience every day -- my cool husband, my great kids, my comfortable home, my excellent health, music, sunshine, sweet memories, and many more too numerous to mention. In a day-to-day sense, though, I see that embracing the idea that I SHOULD feel guilty when I relax really sucks (sorry mom if you read this). REALLY. sucks.

I made a list last night of things I have enjoyed over the years, such as singing in a band, working out and lifting weights, spending time in the wilderness, wearing clothes I really like, making things, playing games, and others. I found that many of the items on that list are not things I am making time for right now. Why? Is it because I don't want to be happy, as a friend suggested yesterday? Is it because I am afraid that I am doing something wrong if I don't have my Responsibility Meter in the red zone? Is it because I don't think I deserve to do things that I enjoy? Is it because it's a lot easier to choose things that provide momentary pleasure, such as ice cream, and really only take a minute or two, and can be stuffed into a responsibility-driven day?

I'm just back from a walk. I feel great. I'm listening to my blog music -- all songs I really love. Walking is relaxing. Listening to my music is relaxing. Blogging is relaxing. There's a little nagging feeling in there that says I BETTER get moving since I'm supposed to be somewhere at 10, actually two places, or even three, but I'm only planning to go to the one place.

Today the step I will take to treat myself nicer is to send my ipod, which currently is in a coma, to iRescue to see if it can be fixed. The music on my ipod makes me smile. And I think smiling is something I want to do a whole lot more of.

Enjoy your day. Take good care of yourself. Love yourself and the people who are in your life. I will if you will.

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KWHIT-SHEWWWWWW

That is the sound of a whip. Pretty good, eh?

Have come to an important realization today that when I was a little bitty thing I got this idea that I should not have fun because I needed to be very responsible for many things in the life of my family. Actually, I already knew that. What I realized today is that I have, in a sense, put myself into that same place through decisions made as an adult. More later. I just didn't want to forget this idea because changes are necessary. (That's not what the whip is about. I'm just usually feeling behind and guilty and the whip keeps me in line. Sort of.)

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More on Exercise

I actually love to exercise, especially once I've done it for a week or two.

I love that way it makes me feel like I am taking care of myself.

I love being outside and experiencing the elements, whether cold or hot.

I love the feeling of strength that exercising gives me.

I love seeing the scale register a lower number when I exercise.

But am I currently exercising? No. I was walking in the mornings last week with my daughter, VVV, but she inconsiderately got a blister which made it impossible to walk a mile in my shoes (which she was wearing at the time).

I have a treadmill in the basement. I hate the treadmill.

I have a park near my house, but it's boring to go by myself, especially since my ipod is currently in a coma, unable to communicate with me.

So, here are the things that are holding me up:

1. I want to have the perfect set-up; time of day; clothing; type of exercise; temperature.
2. I feel like I weigh so much now that exercising is hopeless.
3. Exercising takes a lot of time out of my day, which already feels like it's squashed into a smaller window than 24 hours.
4. I'm embarassed that I have lost significant weight twice now and gained it back. Why keep losing it if I'm only going to gain it back?
5. I think there is some magic philosophy out there that if I could just find it I could exercise daily forever without ever missing a day and could reach the perfect, most comfortable weight, and stay there forever.

Do I sound like a 6-year-old or what? Sometimes I don't want to be all grown-up. Sometimes I feel like my responsibilities are overwhelming. Exercising TAKES CARE OF ME, but I still find it easier to eat leftover pizza and Tostito's than to exercise. Well, guess what. It IS easier to eat leftover pizza than it is to exercise.

I've inspired myself, believe it or not. Me and the TLG are going out for a walk right now. See you later!

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